The Pit of Despair

I thought that today would be the day I would walk across a stage, get my diploma, do a little dance, and move on to get a “big girl job” (whatever that is). Surprisingly, I did get to do three of those things, but I will tell you about that later. I wish I could tell you that I have rested in God’s promise that He withholds no good thing for those who love him. Instead, I decided to sink deep into what my roommate calls the pit of despair. Dun dun dunnnn. 

The pit of despair defined by Mary Smith:

• ·         Self-inflicted vacation spot for those who have lost sight of the sun/son and want to go to a dark lonely place also known as Mary’s bed.  

• ·         A dark lonely place you don’t want to visit.

• ·         Hopeless.

• ·         Nothing good happens. 

• ·         A dark eerie pit.

• ·         You can’t go over it. You can’t go under it. You gotta go through it.

• ·         Worse. Place. Ever.

Dramatic? Yes. True? Absolutely!

I threw myself five pity parties this week. I questioned God’s plan for my life every single time I saw a facebook status about graduation. I struggled to truly be happy for some of the people I love most in life. I desperately wanted to “rejoice with those who rejoice”, but all I could do was bury my face in a pillow and cry. I realize it is not that big of a deal, but it feels like a big deal at the moment and as my friend Aaron likes to say, “feelings are facts.”

So, you get the picture—My best friends are graduating while I’m an ocean away in the pit of despair. But God (Oh, how I love those 2 words) pulled me out of the pit and reminded me that there is NO pit to deep that He cannot reach. My five year plan did not include living in Senegal instead of graduating with the class of 2012, but God’s plan did and I trust Him (or at least I’m learning to).

After a solid 3 weeks, I decided that I was tired of being in the dramatic, self-inflicted pit of despair where I wallowed in self-pity. God reminded me this week that He does not become frustrated when His children fall. He does not tire of picking us up and putting us back on our feet to walk again. He rejoices in the steps. Isn’t that beautiful?

I mentioned earlier that I did three out of the four things I thought I would be doing today. I walked across a stage, received my diploma (who cares if it’s fake and could never get me a real job?), and did a little dance. I live with 7 incredible people who planned a surprise graduation--Senegal style. Today I graduated with a Bachelor of Senegalese Arts and I have a diploma on our refrigerator to prove it. My mom would be so proud. Top of my class, believe it or not! I would have never dreamed that I would be walking across a stage in an African park to receive my fake diploma and dance around in my graduation grown that looks a heck of a lot like John-Marks Boubou (a Boubou is a traditional Senegalese garment for men). My plans are lame compared to the plans God has for me.

As for all of my friends who graduated today, CONGRATS!!!

Dear God, Make Me a Bird...

Around the same time every day, a group of adorable talibe boys come banging on our door yelling, “Madam, Madam!” until we go downstairs with fruit, juice, and a soccer ball. For 30 minutes a day we get to watch these little boys be little boys. They come to us with dirt from head to toe wearing the same outfit they wear every single day.  I’ve started to call them our boys…I love them to pieces. I don’t speak their language at all, but thank God laughter is the same in every language!

                For 30 minutes a day, our boys get to forget that they live a hard life. They get to forget that they spend all day on the streets of Dakar begging for money. For 30 minutes a day, our boys get to play soccer in the street and do what kids do.

                For 30 minutes a day, God reminds me that life is about so much more. For 30 minutes a day I remember that the world does not revolve around me. I remember that life is so much more than Facebook stalking and twitter.

                I wish I had more to say, but that’s about it. I’m a tad bit heartbroken.  I wish I could be Super Whitney and put them all under my cape as I fly far far away. I feel like Jenny did in Forest Gump when she prayed, “Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far. Far far away.” I don't think I will be a super hero or a bird anytime soon, so I think a better option is to learn to trust Jesus with my boys. Right now, I'm praying for God to help me in my unbelief. Oh me of little faith...

The apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith!" And the Lord said, "If you had faith like a grain of mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it would obey you." Luke 17:5

All I Want For Christmas

Life lesson #999,999,976: If I am not content in this season of life, I am not going to be content in the next season of life. Joy comes from the Lord, not my circumstances.

I’ve recently realized that I spend a majority of my time thinking about the future. I am always asking God to show me the next big thing. It seems as if there is a problem with where I find contentment, huh? Joy comes from the Lord. Period. I would be willing to bet $1,000 that if I were in America right now with all the things that are familiar to me—my family, my friends, my bed, my favorite Christmas treats—I still would not be satisfied if the source of my contentment is not Jesus Christ. I have been thinking of how many memorized songs I sing that say something along the lines of “You are all I need, Jesus…You are my everything”, but do I really mean that? Jesus is all I need, don’t get me wrong, but I think my head knows that truth better than my heart. What I sing in my heart sounds more like this:  “Jesus you are all I need…well, you and dark chocolate, a hot shower, the aroma of Christmas throughout my apartment, and everything else that makes me comfortable.”  Thank the good Lord above; He loves me too much to let me stay the same. My song is slowly starting to change as God reminds me that He is indeed more than enough for me. 

Honestly, I can’t believe how much I am growing to love life here. I mean, the things I can’t stand about this country far outweigh the things I like, yet my heart seems to fall more in love with this place every day (well, minus the few bad days that make me want to crawl up in a ball and teleport to my bed in America). It’s hard to explain...and probably sounds really ridiculous, but life lesson #999,999,976 is a hard and beautiful lesson to learn. Not every minute here in Senegal is exciting and breathe taking, trust me, but there are some days that my heart finds joy that I have never known before. 

I thought that I would want to be on plane heading home around Christmas, but I actually love celebrating the season in Senegal with my second family and my precious Senegalese friends. I miss home. A lot. A whole lot. But this year I get to spend Christmas away from all the hustle & bustle that comes along with the Holidays in America, which is rather delightful. We have had some great and hilarious times spreading Christmas cheer in Senegal. John-Mark, bless his soul, made us the most fabulous fireplace I have ever seen in all of my days. We have made snowflakes, a Christmas wreath, ornaments, and wrapped empty boxes just because we can. One of my favorite things to do is sing Christmas carols to our taxi drivers. We have received mixed reactions…some LOVE it and attempt to sing along, but others turn up the radio telling us to shut up without words.  

Sorry that this blog is full of random thoughts that I have collected in my scattered brain to tell the brave souls who care to sort through them. Anyhow, on to my next thought. One thing I want more than anything this Christmas is to fall more in love with Jesus Christ. I want Christmas to be about more than the lights, trees, and gifts. What if this Christmas, we went further than just posting a Facebook status that says “Jesus is the reason for the season”. What if we spent less time updating Facebook with empty phrases and more time at the feet of Jesus, who left His throne on high to be born in the most humble of places to die so that YOU and I can have eternal life? I know that Christmas is not the most wonderful time of the year for everyone, but I hope that you can find joy in the most precious gift of all—God’s only son. Christmas looks different every year…things change and so do people, but the reason we celebrate Christmas does not change. God’s love for you is unchanging, unending, unexplainable, and unconditional. God showed the ultimate act of love by sending His son to the earth to save us while we were busy trying to save ourselves. That’s MY King!   

Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Joyeux Noel!

Jesus Wrecked My Life

Jesus wrecked my life, shattered it to pieces, and put it together more beautifully.

-Katie Davis

It’s true; Jesus wrecked my life and made it more beautiful.

I remember the night that Jesus wrecked my life so clearly. After 17 years of wondering where the heck God was and why He never seemed to listen to my prayers, I realized that I didn’t even know God. Sure, I knew about God. I knew all of the bible stories I learned in Sunday school. I knew all the worship songs. I knew all the right things to say to make people label me Christian. What I didn’t know: Jesus had been knocking on the door of my heart for quite some time and I had never let Him in. He had been pursuing me for so long, but I was too busy trying to make everyone believe that I had it all together. I will never forget that night. It was a beautiful surrender. I gave up. I let Christ invade my heart that had been longing for Him since the day I was born.

It was a beautiful night, no doubt about that, but I knew what was to follow this decision. There were a lot of things in my life that had to hit the road and that was scary. I knew that Jesus would create beauty from my brokenness, but starting that very night—Jesus Christ wrecked my life. I was desperately afraid of giving up the comforts of my self-loving life to follow Jesus. I still am. In the midst of what felt like chaos in the months to follow, I had an unexplainable joy and still do to this very day. I know that if God calls me to give anything up, what I gain is much greater. I gain more of Him and less of me.

He must become greater; I must become less. John 3:30

After that night, I wanted to know everything about Jesus. I remember reading straight through Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John within days. I had heard the story of Jesus so many times, but this time it was different. It was as if I had never heard it before. When I started reading, I didn’t want to put my bible down. Jesus Christ captivated me. The more I learned about the love of Jesus, the more uncomfortable I became living such a mediocre life when God loves me with such an extraordinary love. I wanted to love others like Jesus. Not to mention, we are commanded to love like Jesus.

This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. John 15:12

I will let you in on a little secret: Be careful what you pray for. When I realized it is a commandment to love, I prayed for opportunities to love people and God answered. Loving people is hard. I had this idea in my head that it was easy to love people, but that was before I understood that we are called to love our enemies. Love the people who annoy the poo out of you. Love the people who have broken your heart. Love the people who have hurt you deeply. Love the people who couldn't care less whether or not you love them. Love the people who are not like you. Love the people nobody else loves.

I not only prayed for opportunities to love, but opportunities to GO to the nations and love people because Jesus said, “Go therefore and make disciples of ALL nations, baptizing them min the name of the father and of the son and the Holy Spirit.” Once again, God answered. Once again, I asked myself why did I pray for this again? I am kind of kidding, but serious at the same time. I was scared out of my mind. I was like Moses when God told him to lead His people out of Egypt. I said “God, you’ve got the wrong girl. Send someone else!” God said to Moses in Exodus 4, “Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall say.” God said that to Moses, but every time I read that I put my name at the end as if He is saying it straight to me. I decided to go. To Clearwater, to East Asia, to Haiti, and now to Africa. The initial fear of following God to hard places never left, but neither did God’s promise that He would be with me always, to the very end of age.

“As I go with Him to the hard places, He changes them into the most joyful places I could imagine.” –Katie Davis

Some people thought I had lost my mind when they heard that I was going to Africa for a year without finishing my last year of college. I even thought I lost my mind at times. It was a hard decision, but quite possibly one of the greatest decisions I have ever made. I decided to simply follow and God did not forget His promise to be with me.  The last two months have been incredibly challenging and stretching, and I have been forced to depend on God for every ounce of joy. Tonight as I write this blog, I can honestly say that my cup overflows. I have seen God in ways that I never thought possible. I can’t even explain the joy that I have felt this past week as God has changed this hard place into the most joyful place I could imagine.

I love my life…every second of it. It is crazy, truly. When I graduated high school and thought about my “5 year plan”, I assure you that taking a year off school and going to Africa was not even a thought.  I sleep on a mattress in the floor. I sing Christmas Carols to my taxi drivers. I eat sheep liver. I laugh so hard I cry. Sometimes…I just cry. I miss home. I hang out with my family on skype. I wash my clothes by hand. I wipe a layer of dirt off my sheets every night. I fight with the ants on my counter every morning before I make breakfast. I get followed by the little boys on the street everyday because they know I can’t say no to their precious little faces. I dance around in a congo line at dinner and clap off beat because that is normal here. I share the love of Jesus Christ with people who are desperate to know God. I wash my feet and they are dirty the second I step out of the shower. I worship in French and understand ¼ of what I sing. I love my new home. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I am no longer afraid that God will call me somewhere I don’t want to go. I know that wherever God wants me, as uncomfortable as it may be, is right where I want to be. Do You know what really scares me? The thought of going back to my mediocre, comfortable, selfish life. I don’t think I have to be in Africa to step out of my comfort zone, but I did have to come to Africa to realize that God can make the most uncomfortable places the places where I find the most joy in Him. I am so thankful that God took my mess of a life and made it beautiful. I am thankful that He gave me a new heart—a heart that beats for Him.



Love in every language

Meet Asu.

Isn’t she lovely? This little girl can put a smile on my face faster than anyone I know. I pass her every day, sometimes multiple times depending on how many times I walk by the mosque to the right of our apartment. She sits outside with women  who beg for money all. Day. Long. Every child’s dream, huh? Sit right outside a mosque in the heat all day, hang out with old women, and enjoy whatever leftovers people throw at them.

I have absolutely fallen in love with this beautiful little girl. The other day I gave her the motion to come with me as I was walking to the fruit stand. I took her hand and we walked to get a few apples. I wish I could have taken a video of the expression on Asu’s face when I held her hand. You would think that I had just given her a pony. She smiled from ear to ear. She kept looking at our hands linked together and then up to my face.

Today when I walking home, Asu was on her knees praying some memorized prayer along with everyone else who hangs out beside the mosque to pray. I had bought apples on the way home, so she ran up to me and I shook her sweet little hand and gave her an apple. As I was walking away I said to myself, “An apple. Really, Whitney? She is on her knees praying to a God who does not exist and you are giving her an apple?” Then I remembered-I cannot save the world. In fact, I cannot even tell her that Jesus Christ came to save the world because I cannot speak her language. I can pray. I can love her. I can trust that God is sovereign.

Things we would only do in Senegal (To be continued...)

 Mary and I have created a list of things we would only do in Senegal. Enjoy.

1.       Ride in a fishing boat with a random Senegalese man with the engulfing aroma of the many dead fish literally in between our toes.

2.       Sing Christmas carols to the top of our lungs to a taxi driver who does not like Christmas.

3.       Serenade the employees and customers of Nicecream with a well known Whitney Houston song, I will always love Nicecream.

4.       Wash mounds of sweaty clothes by hand in a bathtub.

5.       Sit on a mat in the floor, share one big bowl, and eat with our hands.

6.       Create our own fun by using mini pumpkins as army based walkie talkies. (Breaker, breaker 5-oh. Workin’ at the car wash. Yep, just workin’ at the car wash. Woah oh oh oh. Car wash, ya. Over.)

7.       Attempt to do a 1,000 piece puzzle without electricity at night.

8.       Lace the top of our mattress with Senegalese baby powder in hopes that the layer of baby powder will absorb your sweat in the heat of the night. Simba, one of the many characters on the lion king sheets left here by previous STINTers, is now an albino lion. Rawr.

9.       Sweat through t-shirts.

10.   Chase goats around campus.

11.   Have our clothes custom made by our very own tailor.

12.   Repeat 5 times a day I love Mike and Ikes to the tune of a well known chant I hear coming from our neighbors “house”.

13.   Wear v-necks and long skirts every day.

14.   Cook on a propane tank as a stove.

15.   Dance like Shakira in front of fully veiled Muslim women. Hey, don’t judge…they were doing it too.

16.   Cry because my ice cubes taste like soap.

17.   Cry because We…we…we… we are. In. AFRICA. While being dramatically sprawled out on the floor.

18.   Skype until 4 in the morning.

19.   Have 3 nights of sleepovers in the Kitchen.  

20.   Check my bananas for worms every time I eat them because in America, God bless America, my lovely bananas are infused with dangerously toxic chemicals and that’s the way I like it.

21.   Eat the only bag of Pistachios I brought to Senegal while writing this blog.

22.   Accidently tell the servers I am dead instead of I am done.

23.   Vigorously proclaim I don’t know Whitney when attempting to say My name is Whitney to a child.

24.   Avoid standing water due to its unknown source. We call puddles here “poo water”. No jumping in puddles for this girl!

25.   Find humor in playing the game pterodactyl. (You have to say pterodactyl without showing your teeth.)

26.   Eat a fish eye.

27. Tell our landlord to touch our teammates beard in french.

28. Sleep with dryer sheets all around my body. We were told it keeps the bugs away. It doesn't work, just in case you are wondering.

We could mention a few more, but due to political correctness we will not.

This is my lovely friend Rose, teaching us how to dance. She is from Haiti and she is studying in Dakar!

This is right before we ate fish eyes. yummm.

 So much fabric...

This is where I live. (Well...it is a twenty minute walk, but I go every other day. Wouldn't you?)

My team enjoying our night off eating fresh fish!

Our boat ride to an island to nom nom an amazing dinner.

Our first ministry party!

The Reality of Hell

              

             

                Ok, so here is the deal. I have been trying to muster up a way to sugar-coat my experiences in Senegal to portray some distorted view of what life looks like making God’s name known in a place that is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Don’t get me wrong, I have countless stories of incredible times I have had, but right now I must confess—this is hard. Believe it or not, my sin followed me to Africa. Strange, I know. Things I struggled with in America did not disappear when I followed God to Dakar. I was selfish in America, I am selfish in Senegal. I was prideful in America, I am prideful in Senegal. I was anxious in America, I am anxious in Senegal. In fact, my sin is magnified in Senegal. I can already tell that this year has and will be extremely refining.

                I am a pretty easy-going person. So I thought. That is, until the drama queen that has been trapped inside of me was released Saturday morning when I woke up realizing we still had no running water in our apartment. All I wanted was a shower, a cup of coffee, and to wash a cold crisp apple. Is that too much to ask, President Wade? I am just getting used to not having power for a large chunk of the day, and then not having water is added to the mix. I did learn a very valuable lesson: take a shower when you have water. Oh, and maybe this too: Jesus is more than enough. Even though I am repeatedly learning that Jesus alone is enough to satisfy, I still find my heart and mind everywhere except Senegal. I still ask God, why am I here?

                Today when I asked, Why am I here?, He gave me an answer that is tough to swallow. God did not come to the little café I was in today and chat with me over a cup of coffee, but what He revealed to me was unmistakably the answer I was looking for as I dug into God’s word and listened to a podcast about Heaven and Hell. This was the answer to my question: Whitney, you are here because nearly every single person you pass on the streets of Dakar does not know me, thus will spend all of eternity apart from me. To put it bluntly, every single person who does not have a relationship with Jesus Christ will go to Hell when they die. According to statistics, that is about 95% of the people of Senegal, give or take a little. There is no sugar-coating that truth.

                It became even more of a reality when I started to put names with that truth. Muhammad the fruit stand man will spend eternity in Hell because He does not know Jesus Christ. Limon and Doo Doo [Excuse the spelling, but that is how you say their names], my favorite Senegalese painters, will spend eternity in Hell because they do not know Jesus Christ. My funny friend Fatou will spend an eternity in Hell because she does not know Jesus Christ. I started to realize the seriousness of why we are called to make disciples of all nations. I realized the seriousness of why I am here in Dakar, Senegal.

                Hell is a real place, and there are real people there. It is a place of unending judgment. A place of torment, anguish, and flames. I am not trying to be a “bible thumper” by taking the truth that is in the bible and putting it in a blog, I am trying to spare those of you who do not have a relationship with Jesus Christ an eternity in Hell. You might be thinking If God is so loving, why would he send anyone to Hell? I’m glad you asked. You’re darn right God is loving, but keep in mind—God is perfect, for that reason, He is fully loving and fully just [fair]. The bible says that the punishment for sin is death. Everyone sins, everyone deserves death. Period. So if God is fully just, everyone deserves death.  Thank God that He provided a way out of that punishment through His son. Our sin had to be paid for, or God would not be who He says He is. God knew from the beginning of time that we would mess up. He also knew from the beginning of time that He would send His only son to live a sinless life and be the ultimate sacrifice for our sin. Jesus Christ took our place on the cross. He took our punishment.

                As I thought further about the reality of nearly everyone I know in Senegal spending an eternity apart from Christ, I thought about my sweet Senegalese friend who gave me her explanation of how you can get to God. In her opinion, there are many ways to God. She told me that you can take many different ways to the mosque, but eventually you will get there. She continued to tell me that in the same way, there are many different ways to God. My friend is terribly mistaken. There is only one way to God. There is only one way to eternal life. That is through Jesus Christ.

                Living by the mosque, I hear the call to prayer 5 times a day [starting at 5 am]. 5 times a day I listen [sometimes plugging my ears and making up words to their not-so-pretty song-ish prayers] to people crying out to a God who is not real. It is a constant reminder of the weight of the command to make disciples of all nations. There is still so much to be done. The thing is, you don’t have to go to another country to realize that there is work to be done…just walk outside your front door.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.                               John 3:16

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."                                              John 14:6